Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
