i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize