Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
