as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
