I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
