I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
we should paint friendship bongs
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