This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize