I can text with my tongue
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Randomize
