i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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