i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
