apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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