We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize