I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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