pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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