Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
