A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Me. At least after what I've been through.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
