I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
