he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
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