I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
