I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
