Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
