I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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