I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
