why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
