OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
