Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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