i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
