I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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