I CAN MOONWALK!
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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