Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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