I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
