Please don't use social media to get back at me.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
