Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
