my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
