Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
