Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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