i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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