She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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