everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
