I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
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