im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize
