He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
