I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
