The brown eye won't let me do that either.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
