This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You can't just leave with hair like that
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I have aggressive nipples.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize
