how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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