Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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