I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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