I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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