Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
