can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
