His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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