The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
