I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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