the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
she smelled like a LAN party
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
