Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize