enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
