Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
