I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
