I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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