Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
