thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Sober January is a disaster.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
