I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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