Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
