did you get engaged???
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
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