I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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