I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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