And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
